Artist's Assistant

When playing the role of an artist’s assistant, you don’t always get glorious jobs such as laying a base color for a figure, or adjusting the artist’s highlights with a brush. Sometimes, you are handed the seemingly worthless, uninteresting jobs: washing the brushes, or primering the surface for paint.

That’s mostly what assistants get: dirty, unimpressive jobs. It can get annoying after awhile, especially if members of the press come to see the progress; ignoring you and talking directly to the artist; the artist you’ve been helping the entire time. It’s true, that no matter who comes in to the studio, they never talk to the assistant (who is usually in the area hurriedly working preparing for the call of the artist), they instead talk only to the artist, as if he alone did all the work. It’s the same on opening day; no one ever talks to the assistant.

However, despite all the neglect from everyone else; despite all the paint you’ve scraped off the pallets for hours at a time, it’s always a pleasure to hear your superior praise you for your hard work.

Plus, you both know you helped with that piece.

For My Friends mk II

Someone started to make me think (simply by posting a comment on my last blog thing; thanks, you know who you are) the other day. Personally, I desire change…a lot of people do. At the same time, others do not desire change, they dread it. Both the desire and disdain of “change” is natural, and people are free to choose whether they invite or revolt it.

This is my conclusion: as with many things in life, a balance is needed, a balance is healthy. Is a desire for something new natural? Yes. Is being content with what is already present natural? Yes. However, simply pursuing those concepts (always wanting something new or always accepting the surroundings) can verge onto ridiculousness.

An example; change: a monopoly on utilities grows. The price of said utilities sky rockets, resulting in many people going with out because they cannot afford them. Change, something different is needed for the (balanced) good of all.

An example; content: two individuals have been married many years. Although there is nothing seriously wrong between them (arguments and such), they may at times feel tired of each other; as they have seemingly learned most of the habits and mannerisms of one another. Ending and moving on is an idea, but learning to be content and happy with one another (with the person they said they loved and therefore engaged into a legal and emotional union) is another. Constantly jumping from relationship to relationship appears unethical and pathetic.

Anyway, my point is: learn to balance things in life. Strive for more, yet be content with some things. Always look ahead, yet be satisfied with the present (if the present takes care of the basic needs of life and satisfies the ethical standards of being human that is). Never only desire change while not really looking at the present, never become so bogged down with what you have that you loose sight of what could be reality.

Prioritize things; take things in stride…on step at a time. By doing so, a desire for change will balance with a content feeling of satisfaction much easier. Life is a constant waltz between change and contention, don’t fight it…observe and learn from those steps; remember that my friends. No matter what happens now,


AIM FOR THE TOP

For My Friends

If anyone disagrees with what I say next (and I’m sure there will be those who do), please make it known…I appreciate other points of view on such matters.

To transfer from one thing or idea to another; to substitute: change.

People speak of change daily. The most recent president seemingly built a campaign around such word. It would appear that people always desire change. People are never satisfied with their reality, so they wish to change it. People put much stock in “change”. The economy will change; people’s attitudes will change; a cure for cancer will be found instigating change; we as humanity will reach the stars there by causing a change.

Changes are merely a transition. RESPONSE BY ACTION! Action! Actions have value; actions show that people are affected and there by are concerned.

All the changes in the would can happen but only are of value if people acknowledge them. That is a truth. How people respond to change…is of value. Humanity can either reject, turn away from change thereby dubbing them useless! Or, humanity can respond and take action to confront or accept the changes of life! It is a simple choice...but one that varies among people and their desires.

People change…their lives and atmospheres change…but it all means nothing unless they make use of it. That is a truth. Change can be difficult…but how people respond makes all the difference!

Do you reject? Do you accept and add value to your changes? Answer! Does not answer to me…answer to you! You need to know! To change is to grow! Accept! No matter what you do…you change…no matter how you respond, how you add value by action, to those changes, you learn something about yourself and your desires. Grow! Learn! Take Action. Do not shy away from opportunity! Improve yourself with experience, with change. If you have a goal to better yourself that requires change, embrace it

AIM FOR THE TOP

Because Katrina Added Me to Her Favorites

I cheated death. I was supposed to perish almost a year ago in an emergency room. That whole incident was a stupid mistake…but no accident. I s‘pose you could say I’m not very adapted at living; socially awkward, distant from most, overly sensitive. In any case, that matters not. Only few things matter now.

My purpose in this world is the gain of knowledge…it could be creating art via paint or graphite sketch…or maybe it’s helping others…then again perhaps it’s teaching…wait, isn’t that a form of helping? Alright, I have not a clue what my purpose is. So in the meantime, I’ll just try to come to grips with my (unusual) self and move forward; perhaps then I can completely understand my purpose.

Why “unusual”? For one, there are three of me…YES that’s right, three of me. You see, I’m have Schizoaffective Disorder; a form of Schizophrenia. One of the symptoms is…alter egos; some people call them multiple personalities. There is the conscious me (Joshua Jordan blah blah blah), the pessimistic/hateful me (Nadleeh…yes one of my personalities is a woman despite the fact that I’m male…), and the overly manic and happy me (Charlie). Together, “we” are one whole being.

It never really bothered me that I had two alter-egos…in fact, when I would be writing or sketching it kind of gave me a way to bounce ideas off of another person with out leaving; or, someone to simply talk with when lonely. Yes, I know they truly don’t exist…but they seem very real. At times, it’s almost like one of them takes control of me…usually resulting in me not remembering the incident.

…

I love to watch people in a crowd. You can learn a lot about individuals, and people in general, by watching them. All people emulate their personality through their body. By watching, you can learn a lot about someone’s personality and thoughts as well as how they are feeling at any given time. There’s another reason I observe people. I believe that people are beautiful; take a look, the human form is quite attractive. The observation of beauty is a natural thing to enjoy. It also helps me sketch; by simply watching, I’ve learned to draw a pretty accurate human figure. I should make mention, figures are my favorite thing to sketch.

Ok, since this whole thing is just one free-flowing thought…I might as well write a recent concept of mine…ready? OK: I love hugs…I just do…they’re amazing. It’s a physical sign of a bond…they’re special to me. I’ve noted (for a while now) that I especially cherish hugs from young woman, my friends; the feeling of their breasts pressing against me is very comforting (yes yes some people would expect that but humor me and don’t laugh and leave just yet)…and I began to wonder why. I’m heterosexual so that could explain part of it…but not all of those feelings. What I feel at the time isn’t typically sensual or erotic in nature…after some thought, I believe I figured it out. Those feelings are very maternal in nature.

Here’s why: it’s understood that almost every person starts their life breast feeding…if not, it’s still a natural impulse…then it’s accepted that breasts can be used to sustain life…to nourish infants so they grow stronger. This knowledge of their maternal impact and sustaining function, makes breasts comforting to me…calming are relaxing. The connection and bond from the embrace of another, plus (in this case) a comforting sensation from a figure, makes for an amazing hug.

Now this doesn’t mean I’m going to start feeling of my friend’s breasts whenever I get the chance…I respect them much more than that…I’ll only cherish such a comforting feeling when I’m given a hug.

Well…I’m sure that some people will read that and think I’m some kind of unnatural pervert…and maybe those are right…I really don’t completely understand this myself…but, I really don’t think I am…and it seems my friends don’t feel that way either.

This work of mine started with an idea in mind. However, after all my uniform English assignments, it felt good to just write whatever. I’ll be graduating from high school this month…in just a few days. I have to thank all my long time friends AND all those wonderful friends I meat just this past year. I couldn’t have done it without you. Thanks for all your support.

(oh yeah, thanks Katrina…in your own little way you helped motivate me to write here again)

Label

Labels…we all use them. Everyone each day labels something.
It makes no difference what is labeled, as long as it has a label.
Labels are convenient, especially when “naming” a collective whole of something.
Each member of the whole looses it’s personal name…this system of naming has been used for centuries to identify similar objects.
Labeling a “thing”, is not at all wrong.

“Foreigner”, “Prep”, “Freak”, Enemy”, “Black”, “White”, “Brown”, “Extremist”, “Saber”, “Force”, “Government”.
Labeling people.
Some labels are more damaging than others.
For example, “Prep” and “Freak”; common terms.
They may seem harmless.
But are they really?
By labeling, a person is forming a barrier, a separation, from other people.
Groups of people who are not in unity, only hurt one another.

Now, people often associate themselves with there particular ethnic background.
Look at history, the hatred instigated by racial conflicts (racial differences), has been around since the days of the mighty Egyptian empire…and such hatred still lives on this Earth.

It seems to be the habit, to assume that all people under a government, agree (completely) with the ideals and beliefs of that government.
That being said, it is therefore easy to simply label one nation of people, under one category.
Once a label has been made, more and more differences can be found between the two nations (as a collective whole).
Differences, lead to hate, contemned, jealousy, insecurity…which lead to war…most of the time anyway.

I’ve always thought, the names of military platoons to be humorous…in a strange sort of way.
Saying,
“We launch a pre-emptive strike against their 4th division in O’ WHATEVER hours.”
Sounds much better than saying,
“We launch an early, advantaged attack against their group of scared men with weapons in O’ WHATEVER hours.”
Take the humanity out…I’m sure fighting objects sounds much better than killing other people.

By labeling people, they become nothing more than objects.
Their value and worth as individuals is gone.
Other people become distant and different by receiving labels.

People can be foolish.
I doubt, that people can fix this world, if they can’t even fix their relationships with each other.

Eh?

“I love you.”

What? What does that even mean? One definition of love is: an intense feeling of tender affection and compassion. Oh my that does sound good. But honestly, what does it mean to love? People seem to love so many things. That’s odd to me. Such an intense feeling would be hard to share, would it not?

A dating couple say they “love” each other so much. Then tragically a few months later they breakup…and no longer love each other. I’ve been taught that love is also enduring. So was that not really love that the couple shared? I think not. At the moment it may have seemed like love…but turned out to be nothing more than infatuation.

“I love books” “I love music” “I love thought” Is it possible to love such things? To have tender affection for an inanimate object or an abstract like thought? Ok that does seem kind of possible…but come on! To have such feelings for that which cannot love back? “I love food”…really? That is what you adore more than anything else? To fill your belly?

Then there is always the dreaded “LOVE BETWEEN THE SAME GENDER” *gasp* oh noes!!! Whatever. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with that. Why would there? Is it not great to have affection for all people? Regardless of there gender (or race etc.)?

Love….“love”…it seems to be used in places it does not apply, or in some cases not used when it should be used…..it seems. …………………WHAT ARE YOU SAYING PEOPLE??? Do you really love all that you say you do?? “Love” is one of those over used words, kind of like “dude” or “man” or even a phrase like “What’s up?” Then again…saying “I love you” sounds a whole lot better than saying “I really like you” or “I think you’re really attractive”. And “Love poems” sounds better than “Infatuation poems” or “Sexually Driven poems”. You make a stronger point by saying “I love books” instead of “I like books very much”. PLUS saying “love” is easier and requires less effort most of the time. See the examples in this paragraph.

Love…it’s over used so often, it's almost a cliché. And yet it is not used enough. Funny how that works. I don’t claim to know what love is, or how it works…but at times I think I have a pretty clear idea of what love is not. And I do believe in genuine love between people.

Oh gotta go…Lindsay is here…..Oh how I love her

Seeds in the Looking Glass

“The apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree.”

Children grow up to be just like their parents (or whoever takes care of them) by default.

Apple trees, they grow the same, they all look the same.

“Ugh…how dull sounding.”

Alright, that was my initial thought. However I was taking a walk the other day, and I came across a field filled with apple trees…it didn’t seem like an orchard because the trees were not growing in a uniform fashion. I liked it…I go back to read, write, or something.

Anyway, something caught my eye. Some of the apple trees were close by the other trees around them…so I’m assuming they were all “related” (but you know what “they” say when you “assume” something). In any case, even though each apple tree looked similar, they were all of them unique. They had their own patterns and scars…their own height and width. Time had affected each tree differently; they all had their own stories to tell. One had even burned down sometime in the past but was re-growing. They were all indeed different trees even if they did look quite similar.

Individual…they were all individuals.

I don’t like the thought of growing up to be similar to my parents. Honestly I’m taking steps so that does not happen. But the apple trees proved that children grow up slightly differently from their parents. Time affects everyone differently. The key is individuality. Being an individual means being different from the people constantly around you. If people maintain there individuality, they will be similar only to themselves.

……………

But that’s not going to happen of course. Because people are constantly influenced by other people. Even the individual apple trees looked similar to the other trees. No one can be completely separate……. However people can still be different in their own little ways. For that reason, never give up your individuality.

Silly poet, politics are for the wise

don’t care much for politics…nor politicians.
I don’t put much (if any) stock in man made governments…

But those aside, I live in a man made government.
Run by none other that politicians.

But don’t get me wrong. I like living here.
I respect the laws of society, and do what I can to contribute as a good citizen.
And I believe the U.S. Constitution is an amazing document.

The Constitution was built upon idealistic ideas.
Those ideas are timeless in this world.
But the truth is, this world is not ideal.
The people who live under the guidance of the Constitution are not perfect.

(I also think a supposed “Separation of Church and State” is funny…seeing as how politics is always flirting with religion.)

I was thinking (yeah I do that I occasion): fighting…fighting in another nation across the ocean…for the purpose of “rebuilding and protecting the newly rebuilt nation”. Ok, sounds great. But wait a minute, what about domestic issues? Welfare, unemployment…shouldn’t those be taken care of as well? Instead of piling billions into war, take some of that and use it for domestic purposes.….

The attacks of September 11, 2001 shocked the government…primarily because the U.S. had never before had an attack on the homeland. Naturally the feds were going to take action to try to prevent that sort of thing again. That action was to invade the Middle East where the terrorists were suppose to be. Iraq was a target because Saddam Hussein was allegedly housing weapons of mass destruction.

U.S. troops were sent, Iraq’s government was rebuilt, Saddam Hussein was captured, no weapons, very few terrorists. If the job was to fix Iraq, it seems as though the job is done…so why are U.S. troops still over seas? Why are tax dollars going to support a war effort? What’s with this vendetta? With a crumbling economy and such, shouldn’t the government try to fix its own problems before it tries to fix others?
Don’t get me wrong I enjoy helping people..…

It seems that the nation should try to find a way to fix its own failing economy….with that fixed, it could better help other nations.

But I’m only a teenager, what do I know?……………………and I try my best to be neutral when it comes to politics.

In any case, I’m sure you’ve all heard this a million times before, so my words must sound cliché.…
Oh well, I’m in a bad mood thanks to all the economic research I had to do for my Government class final and I needed to get it out of my system somehow.
Later.

Ideology in Another

Reality: the concept of what is….
Ideology : what one considers ideal…what one truly desires.

Is it wrong to want what is ideal? (what really is ideal?) Of course not. To obtain what is ideal, humans must work to reach their goals…the world is not going to change itself. Humans accomplish nothing by simply thinking but never acting on their thoughts. This is simple cause and effect. Cause: ideal thought. Effect: working to reach your ideal conditions.

To strive for what is ideal…for what is desired. The world won’t change to fit the ideologies of people. Wake up to that simple fact…or that fact will simply manifest itself within you until you acknowledge it.

A friend of mine, she is scared and unsure herself…stressed….(I’m basically the same way right now….) We spent some time together yesterday. She is a dear friend, someone I trust…she looks at me in the same light. Without a word and only a gaze, we embraced and kissed for a long time…..(have no idea for how long.)

What this the action needed to reach our true desires? Was this the effect of a craving for ideal conditions? Or was this merely two different hormones calling to each other? A craving for the touch of someone? Or maybe just a call for comfort from our depressed hearts? Perhaps the hormones created the ideal solution…? …Hormones made a touch the ideal condition….?
Something entirely different: love between two people?

…..ugh I’m not even going to try to write about love…..to damn complicated.

Ideologies…hormones…a need for comfort…love…..all factors in a single event.
…….I think to much……….(but sometimes my thinking pays off)

In any case…my point is simple: Reality is not always ideal…but at times it can be.


P.S. I don’t kiss just anyone…that’s not mt style

Acorns

An oak tree. It’s a rather beautiful tree. Especially the incredibly old oak trees.
…yes it’s true, the old they become, the more gnarled they are….even so, they are beautiful nevertheless.

The funny thing…or perhaps interesting thing…is that these beautiful trees start from an acorn.

An acorn. It’s not very aesthetically pleasing. It’s small, bizarrely shaped, and is often eaten by some animal…not very majestic at all. However, the acorn has something going for it.

As soon as an acorn falls to the ground, it starts to bury itself into the earth. Some acorns are destroyed and crushed…but some survive and continue to grow.

But the acorn can’t just grow in any random way. For example: what would happen if it started to grow its trunk first with out any roots? The young tree would surely fall over.

No…the acorn sprouts roots first…roots that are strong and go deep into the earth. Once the seed is well grounded, a stem pierces through the surface. But even a young tree is not immune to dangers. Some are crushed or wither away. But still…some live on.

Yes…the survivors grow…become stronger…climb higher…dig deeper. Eventually…over time…an impressive, beautiful oak tree is present where an acorn once lay many years before.

An oak tree…just from one small acorn.

…perhaps acorns are majestic…

I like to think…that people are like acorns.
Haha, yes…just like little acorns.

Every one starts small…but people grow and develop over time.
Do not be afraid of being small. Take roots…learn…study….become knowledable. Do not be afraid to learn. Grow with each new idea…with each new thought. Grow with each step…with each flex of your muscles. Do not give up in the face of misery. I promise you…with time…you will be just as majestic as the mighty oak tree.

I live in a valley. In this valley…oak trees grow; the valley oaks. The oak trees here are protected by the state. One day (a few days ago) I was taking a walk and came across one of these oak trees. I sat under it and started thinking; looked down, and picked up an acorn…

Steven

Eye Light

Watching him, is like watching someone running up the down esculator while mixing paints and eating breakfast. Yeah trippy. He is tall, very thin, has long brown hair, a scraggly beard, which he is very proud of, and he is always thinking of a hundred different things at once. He looks like a mop; a mop that has been used and turned upside down.
You can never understand Steven Garret just by looking at him; meaning you can not understand his thought process or his creative genius. You might think you understand him quickly because he is rather loud and seems to blurt out whatever come to his mind. However, that loud child-like figure is only one small side of Steven.
As soon as Steven picks up pastels or oil paints, he changes into a master worker. His expression and manner of speaking change and his blue eyes appear to radiate expressive light; when you see that light in his eyes, it is evident that his entire mind is active and focused. He creates images in his mind and makes tangible those images with his talented fingers and brush. Steadily, his work takes shape and his tense face relaxes; but his eyes still glow. After he is satisfied with his work, he reverts back to his oddball self, the side that fools everyone into thinking he has no purpose in life or practical talents.
For me, it is always a pleasure to be around Steven. He is most at home in art galleries, where he can display his work or look at the work of other local artists. Or at times he is tucked away somewhere isolated from other people. Why isolated? Haha, because he becomes easily irritated at the attitudes of most people. Where ever he may be, he is easy to spot; he towers above most everyone.
Steven is the most unique person I have ever met. Deep within his artistic, chaotic core, is a loving, caring friend. When I’m not feeling great, he is always available to help, always ready to talk and heal with words. And, when he is feeling crappy, he knows I’m around. We depend upon each other for comfort, and comedy relief. He is a bit strange at times, but perhaps being strange is merely a coping skill. We have done really ridiculous and pointless things together, like argue for hours over the difference between “brown” and “dark tan” or shouting out worthless nothings just to annoy people (annoy people, together we are good at that). It’s funny, he is the most unique person I have come across, and yet we are so much alike. He is by far one of the best and most trusted friends I have ever had.
Look around for him sometime; he and I will be laughing at something no one else gets. Jump in his truck for a ride; he will most likely take you on a Steve-tour (it’s like a detour only 200 times more rad). Or if you go to a art gallery, look for one of his paintings; they are kind of scary-looking. Who knows, he might just be there. Talk to him, he might actually talk back, depending on his mood of course. Observe and listen to him; you will start running up the down escalator with him. If Steven does not respond to you, or you feel that your conversation is going nowhere, hand him some paint and a brush, and as you do, look for a light in his eye. You will learn much more about Steven from that light than you ever will from words.

Hands stained with Innocent Blood

I hate all holidays; I find them stupid and pointless.
So here is something different while all the kids are in their little costumes and so on and so forth.

Today in Government class, we, as a class, discussed foreign policies. This in turn led into the war in the Middle East. One child (I say child because even though he is almost 18, he shows no apparent ability to reason like an adult) proposed a plan to end the war. His plan was to:

“Fire numerous nuclear missiles into the counties of the Middle East. Thus eliminating the terrorist threat, and ending all other possible problems from that area.”

….what a minute……..
Is that reasoning just like a terrorist?
Think for a moment.

September 11, 2001. Religious extremist attacked a government they consider evil. And to a certain degree, they did succeed in attacking said government….And in the process, they killed uncounted innocent people who wanted nothing to do with their holy war.

By launching nuclear weapons into the Middle East, true, a few terrorists would be killed. However in the process, hundreds of thousands of innocent people who simply want to live their lives, who have morals similar to our own, would be killed in the process. "Possible problems"? People who are different, who's culture is different, does that alone make them problems? It's true, I do not agree with the way women are treated in the Middle East...but does that make the people problems? Differences...ha we look strange to "them" as well.

Do you see the parallels? In both cases, one particular group is targeted; but in the process, innocent blood is shed. If vengeance “must” be taken, do the lives of the innocent have to be taken as well?

Call me a fool, unpatriotic, or whatever the hell you can come up with. I do not care.
The innocent; do they really have to perish for the sins of all?
If there is any morality…any decency, I hope the answer is “No”.

Day Lily

This is another note I wrote to my friend. But this is not the original. It was originally just to personal for anyone to read. So I edited for the “public“. I do not know you, but my words apply to you I'm sure. Hope you like it.

........day lilies...are beautiful........yes yes all flowers are beautiful..because of their colors and shapes...in some cases their scents...even their mother plant is sometimes beautifully shaped..and well..flowers are a creation of god..all of god's creations are beautiful.....for these reasons..(and i'm sure many more)..flowers..are beautiful..and it is always a pleasure to look upon them in awe...
..but day lilies..have another aspect of beauty.........each bloom of the plant..lasts only one day....the bloom is beautiful during the day…by night, the bloom is withered..the next morning..the shriveled pedals are laying on the ground under the original bloom..almost as if the plant was crying the night before.............
....each day lily is unique and beautiful..with its own little characteristics that make it different from the other day lilies.................the fact that each bloom lasts for such a short time..means they are to be cherished...it means that each flower..is very special.....that is why their beauty should NEVER be underestimated or taken for granted....
..it's true..it is sad..that the beautiful blooms fall away so quickly...........but there is hope....for the next day.......the plant produces another beautiful flower..and other unique, special bloom..with its own characteristics........that is to be cherished.....
............the flower is beautiful just as you are..the flower is unique from the other flowers just as you are unique from the other people.......the flower is to be cherished just as you are to be........
...it is true...there will be other people with characteristics very much like your’s....but just like the flowers..even though they are similar..each is unique............you are unique.........there are characteristics only you posses...the characteristics that make up part of your body and mind.........
....that is why..the flowers remind me of you.......

(I’m trying to say: You are unique and special. Cherish yourself.)

Encouraging Idea (Hopefully)

I’m in a hotel in Oregon…and what can I say; I’m bored and not in the mood to talk directly with anyone AND I‘m not inspired to write anything really creative…so this silly little blog is the answer to my boredom.
…moving on…
I recently wrote this for a friend of mine…in attempt to give her a little hope, and to let her know that I’m thinking of her (we unfortunately don’t get to see each other that often). But I thought I would share and make it public, because this idea applies to anyone who is living through a chaotic, hard time.
It’s rather short, but I hope it’s meaningful to you.

....you know...we are like..small pools of water....
...typically...they are calm and still....but when a rock is thrown into them..they are agitated and disturbed...

....I'm sorry that I’m not 100% sure about you....but typically...I'm calm..isolated and lonely...but calm....
....apparently...we both have had situations like rocks thrown into our lives....and we are agitated and disturbed, and so much more, because of those rocks.....

...even though the small pools say agitated for a while....eventually..they calm back down...and are still and serene...
...the same is true of us....eventually...things will change for us....and serenity will take over...
...like the pools of water....
i just know it

New Vision

…For the past three years or so..my world has been collapsing. Well…I mean I have a good home…relatively a good family…and friends who love me and who I love in return.
…but you see…I have “mental issues” I shall say and many tragic things have happened over the years…so despite all of the good aspects of my life, I have still been going insane. So for the past few years…all of my stress…all of my anxiety…all of my hatred…has been building up inside me…I finally snapped like never before about a week or so ago…I attempted suicide.

……….and o how I came so close to actually dying. I spent about a week in the hospital recovering…half of that time unconscious………..But as you can tell by the date…I am still alive…...........

…when I got back home from the hospital…a dear friend of mine came to visit...we are really close…I call her my “little sister”….she gave me a long hug, a kiss, and a little card she wrote…………my best friend Steven came by…and he told me, “As soon as you’re up and moving again…I’m gonna beat the hell out of you (for trying to kill yourself); you know that right?” haha that’s just like Steven…we have know each other for years…awesome guy…
...and a few other notable friends came by....

*sigh* I broke up with my girlfriend…and yes it hurt very much..because we are so very similar…almost like a mirror…we are so alike indeed…but maybe that’s why it can’t work out….you see we both can’t stand ourselves…so dating someone just like ourselves…you get the idea. We still talk…we are still friends…and I like it that way..I’m just to immature for a relationship of that sort right now…so we still love each other…as the best of friends…always nice to add a friend…

….my world is still collapsing….I’m still stressed out…I’m still saddened and depressed….yet at the same time…I’m happy to be alive….you see…there is beauty in this word…there is a loving God…there are many pages of text I still can read…there is warm sunshine…there are trees….there are the mountains and the oceans….there are many more good and beautiful things……and…I have people I love and can fall back on….I can see all of these things clearly now.
I’ll never try to kill myself again

Grass

I cannot remember when I wrote this short aritcle either...you know..I should probably start dating these things when I write them in my note book...
..grass is wonderful...
..grass is beautiful...
...as i lay in the cool grass..i began thinking...thinking about the fact that..maybe..grass is like people...
grass..it is a creation of god...there are many varieties of grass...but even so..grass is still grass....all grass blades look very similar..but if you look closely..you will see individual characteristics of each blade..if you look at grass..and feel grass..you will see that grass is beautiful..
people..they are creations of god..there are many races of people...but even so..people are still people...all people look very similar..but if you look closely..you will see individual characteristics of each person..if you look at people..and feel people..you will see that people are beautiful...
...see?..they are parallel.....in some dream-like light..grass is like people..people are like grass....if you can love grass..you can love people......if you can love people..you can love grass...
..as i lay in the cool grass...the warm sun shone down...the blue sky was alive with clouds..the breeze played with my hair and cloths and lips...this all soothed my sore body and mind...
..as i lay in the cool grass...i felt of the blades..smelt of earth...stroked the ocean of grass under me....i dreamed of grass..and of people the grass reminded me of........i cried..i cried because..all was well...i was content...i was happy....................i wish you could have been there..i with you could have felt the moment with me..i wish you could have felt of the grass..............................
..........you yourself..are a little, beautiful, tender blade of grass..............
...when you look at grass...see it's beauty...and know in your heart that you are beautiful just as the grass is
........i love grass................

Water Drop

I cannot remember when i wrote this...probably about two months ago or so...i found it in my little note book.
..........a water drop.............
...the sound..of a water drop falling into a pool...the small soothing sound...water colliding with water...
...can you hear that drip?..can you hear that beautiful sound?
.........why is that beautiful?..why is that small short sound...beautiful?
...it is beautiful..for...the same reason moonlight is beautiful...the same reason little flowers in the grass are beautiful...the same reason nakedness is beautiful...the same reason little giggles of children are beautiful...and..the same reason the touch of another is beautiful...
...these things here mentioned are not extravagant..nor complicated..they are simple...................................
....the sound of a water drop in water is beautiful..because....it is simple...........simplicity is beauty.
.......it is true..there are many complicated things that are beautiful...so beauty is not simplicity...however..people who strive only for complication..thinking that extravagant mighty things are the only true beauties....are fools.....fools who over look the essence of what true beauty can be...
...........do not be afraid to take a good look around...do not be afraid to look for beauty in the humblest of places....for simplicity is everywhere you look....
...as complicated as the human body and mind is...even they have simple aspects......eye color...hair color...softness of skin...facial features (my personal favorite: "lips")...curves...organic shapes...actually, the shape and feel of one's entire body....basic emotions...likes and dislikes......a smile...a laugh...a tear drop............all of these traits are (or at least appear to be) simple....but they are beautiful..are they not?
...........do not be afraid to look at yourself......do not be afraid to see the beauty within yourself.....for simplicity..beauty..is everywhere you look
..................................and everywhere you look at yourself

Water

Personally I love water, and I think it very beautiful. This is not (in reality) the only reason i love water; this is merely a philosophical, abstract, dream-like reason for my love. This is another short aritcle that i wrote in my note book

…do you know why water is beautiful?........................haha, that’s right..water is beautiful……………………. because water is a creation of God..all of Jehovah’s creations are perfect and beautiful…it is a gift...because all of life depends on it..every aspect..every FUNCTION of life needs water...that's true..
……………….but when you look into a body of water what do you see?……...…………………….........
…ever since water has been on the Earth it has cycled …(through the ground.. through the sea.. through the sky in the clouds….then fallen in the rain).. so much so that water has touched entire world….in each atom of water there is a memory.. a memory of what that atom has touched…the world…
….it’s rather interesting…that people are made of water as well…blood..sweat.. tears.. seminal milk... they are all made of water…would it not make since then, that water holds the memories of all people?… what people see…what people enjoy…what people experience…what people love…are all remembered in the atoms of water…………………
…when you look into a body of water…you see the beauty and genius of Jehovah…you see memories of the entire planet…and the memories of all people…that is why water is beautiful……

Sphinx Moth

I actually wrote in this in my note book on 7/9/08

...................................i found a Sphinx Moth today...........................................................
..she landed on my front door...i couldn't just leave her there..for she was in direct sunlight..so she is now (or was) in the back yard on a wall of vines...by now she has most likely flown on...
.................there was something poetic and beautiful..yet sad about this moth..resting amongst the vine's leaves in the shade of the cedar trees......i watched her...and held her; cherished her...for a very long time...(couldn't get a decent picture of her in the vines though...grrrr)
...beauty..and living poetry..are all relative...even if that is true..what many people consider "beauty"..is not beautiful at all.......people turn their eyes away from true beauty and instead selfishly look to the flawed material things of this world...
............one aspect of beauty......is knowledge.....knowledge in turn..leads to truth....even if truth is beautiful..truth, the reality of this imperfect world, often is painful...that is why..(or at least..why i think) many people turn away from beauty: beauty can hurt...
....i wish you could have held this moth...she was truly beautiful.....seeing her..and holding her was poetic...but it was sad..because the truth is.................................................................she will die soon
................beauty...does not always hurt...in any situation..there is always hope........hope..is truth..
...even if some truths hurt..they are still beautiful.…
…..the reality of this imperfect world..the truth of it..hurts…but there is hope………one day in the future..Jehovah will step in..and make this world perfect…then..truth..reality..will no longer be painful….reality will be truly beautiful…
….the moth…the hope is…before she dies..she will lay eggs…those eggs…will become more beautiful sphinx moths.