Because Katrina Added Me to Her Favorites

I cheated death. I was supposed to perish almost a year ago in an emergency room. That whole incident was a stupid mistake…but no accident. I s‘pose you could say I’m not very adapted at living; socially awkward, distant from most, overly sensitive. In any case, that matters not. Only few things matter now.

My purpose in this world is the gain of knowledge…it could be creating art via paint or graphite sketch…or maybe it’s helping others…then again perhaps it’s teaching…wait, isn’t that a form of helping? Alright, I have not a clue what my purpose is. So in the meantime, I’ll just try to come to grips with my (unusual) self and move forward; perhaps then I can completely understand my purpose.

Why “unusual”? For one, there are three of me…YES that’s right, three of me. You see, I’m have Schizoaffective Disorder; a form of Schizophrenia. One of the symptoms is…alter egos; some people call them multiple personalities. There is the conscious me (Joshua Jordan blah blah blah), the pessimistic/hateful me (Nadleeh…yes one of my personalities is a woman despite the fact that I’m male…), and the overly manic and happy me (Charlie). Together, “we” are one whole being.

It never really bothered me that I had two alter-egos…in fact, when I would be writing or sketching it kind of gave me a way to bounce ideas off of another person with out leaving; or, someone to simply talk with when lonely. Yes, I know they truly don’t exist…but they seem very real. At times, it’s almost like one of them takes control of me…usually resulting in me not remembering the incident.

…

I love to watch people in a crowd. You can learn a lot about individuals, and people in general, by watching them. All people emulate their personality through their body. By watching, you can learn a lot about someone’s personality and thoughts as well as how they are feeling at any given time. There’s another reason I observe people. I believe that people are beautiful; take a look, the human form is quite attractive. The observation of beauty is a natural thing to enjoy. It also helps me sketch; by simply watching, I’ve learned to draw a pretty accurate human figure. I should make mention, figures are my favorite thing to sketch.

Ok, since this whole thing is just one free-flowing thought…I might as well write a recent concept of mine…ready? OK: I love hugs…I just do…they’re amazing. It’s a physical sign of a bond…they’re special to me. I’ve noted (for a while now) that I especially cherish hugs from young woman, my friends; the feeling of their breasts pressing against me is very comforting (yes yes some people would expect that but humor me and don’t laugh and leave just yet)…and I began to wonder why. I’m heterosexual so that could explain part of it…but not all of those feelings. What I feel at the time isn’t typically sensual or erotic in nature…after some thought, I believe I figured it out. Those feelings are very maternal in nature.

Here’s why: it’s understood that almost every person starts their life breast feeding…if not, it’s still a natural impulse…then it’s accepted that breasts can be used to sustain life…to nourish infants so they grow stronger. This knowledge of their maternal impact and sustaining function, makes breasts comforting to me…calming are relaxing. The connection and bond from the embrace of another, plus (in this case) a comforting sensation from a figure, makes for an amazing hug.

Now this doesn’t mean I’m going to start feeling of my friend’s breasts whenever I get the chance…I respect them much more than that…I’ll only cherish such a comforting feeling when I’m given a hug.

Well…I’m sure that some people will read that and think I’m some kind of unnatural pervert…and maybe those are right…I really don’t completely understand this myself…but, I really don’t think I am…and it seems my friends don’t feel that way either.

This work of mine started with an idea in mind. However, after all my uniform English assignments, it felt good to just write whatever. I’ll be graduating from high school this month…in just a few days. I have to thank all my long time friends AND all those wonderful friends I meat just this past year. I couldn’t have done it without you. Thanks for all your support.

(oh yeah, thanks Katrina…in your own little way you helped motivate me to write here again)