2nd Draft

As the name states……..it’s only a draft…….the major changes have to do with the figures in the foreground. Some of their proportions are off…(either to long or to short)...or slightly distorted (the chest position of the left most figure). And frankly, their poses are way too stiff and rigid. They need to appear a little looser (the right most figure)…but only a little. Anyway those are just some of the changes needed..the most obvious ones..for the list goes on and on……………

I’ll explain what it’s about when I post the completed sketch.

Because Katrina Added Me to Her Favorites

I cheated death. I was supposed to perish almost a year ago in an emergency room. That whole incident was a stupid mistake…but no accident. I s‘pose you could say I’m not very adapted at living; socially awkward, distant from most, overly sensitive. In any case, that matters not. Only few things matter now.

My purpose in this world is the gain of knowledge…it could be creating art via paint or graphite sketch…or maybe it’s helping others…then again perhaps it’s teaching…wait, isn’t that a form of helping? Alright, I have not a clue what my purpose is. So in the meantime, I’ll just try to come to grips with my (unusual) self and move forward; perhaps then I can completely understand my purpose.

Why “unusual”? For one, there are three of me…YES that’s right, three of me. You see, I’m have Schizoaffective Disorder; a form of Schizophrenia. One of the symptoms is…alter egos; some people call them multiple personalities. There is the conscious me (Joshua Jordan blah blah blah), the pessimistic/hateful me (Nadleeh…yes one of my personalities is a woman despite the fact that I’m male…), and the overly manic and happy me (Charlie). Together, “we” are one whole being.

It never really bothered me that I had two alter-egos…in fact, when I would be writing or sketching it kind of gave me a way to bounce ideas off of another person with out leaving; or, someone to simply talk with when lonely. Yes, I know they truly don’t exist…but they seem very real. At times, it’s almost like one of them takes control of me…usually resulting in me not remembering the incident.

…

I love to watch people in a crowd. You can learn a lot about individuals, and people in general, by watching them. All people emulate their personality through their body. By watching, you can learn a lot about someone’s personality and thoughts as well as how they are feeling at any given time. There’s another reason I observe people. I believe that people are beautiful; take a look, the human form is quite attractive. The observation of beauty is a natural thing to enjoy. It also helps me sketch; by simply watching, I’ve learned to draw a pretty accurate human figure. I should make mention, figures are my favorite thing to sketch.

Ok, since this whole thing is just one free-flowing thought…I might as well write a recent concept of mine…ready? OK: I love hugs…I just do…they’re amazing. It’s a physical sign of a bond…they’re special to me. I’ve noted (for a while now) that I especially cherish hugs from young woman, my friends; the feeling of their breasts pressing against me is very comforting (yes yes some people would expect that but humor me and don’t laugh and leave just yet)…and I began to wonder why. I’m heterosexual so that could explain part of it…but not all of those feelings. What I feel at the time isn’t typically sensual or erotic in nature…after some thought, I believe I figured it out. Those feelings are very maternal in nature.

Here’s why: it’s understood that almost every person starts their life breast feeding…if not, it’s still a natural impulse…then it’s accepted that breasts can be used to sustain life…to nourish infants so they grow stronger. This knowledge of their maternal impact and sustaining function, makes breasts comforting to me…calming are relaxing. The connection and bond from the embrace of another, plus (in this case) a comforting sensation from a figure, makes for an amazing hug.

Now this doesn’t mean I’m going to start feeling of my friend’s breasts whenever I get the chance…I respect them much more than that…I’ll only cherish such a comforting feeling when I’m given a hug.

Well…I’m sure that some people will read that and think I’m some kind of unnatural pervert…and maybe those are right…I really don’t completely understand this myself…but, I really don’t think I am…and it seems my friends don’t feel that way either.

This work of mine started with an idea in mind. However, after all my uniform English assignments, it felt good to just write whatever. I’ll be graduating from high school this month…in just a few days. I have to thank all my long time friends AND all those wonderful friends I meat just this past year. I couldn’t have done it without you. Thanks for all your support.

(oh yeah, thanks Katrina…in your own little way you helped motivate me to write here again)

Label

Labels…we all use them. Everyone each day labels something.
It makes no difference what is labeled, as long as it has a label.
Labels are convenient, especially when “naming” a collective whole of something.
Each member of the whole looses it’s personal name…this system of naming has been used for centuries to identify similar objects.
Labeling a “thing”, is not at all wrong.

“Foreigner”, “Prep”, “Freak”, Enemy”, “Black”, “White”, “Brown”, “Extremist”, “Saber”, “Force”, “Government”.
Labeling people.
Some labels are more damaging than others.
For example, “Prep” and “Freak”; common terms.
They may seem harmless.
But are they really?
By labeling, a person is forming a barrier, a separation, from other people.
Groups of people who are not in unity, only hurt one another.

Now, people often associate themselves with there particular ethnic background.
Look at history, the hatred instigated by racial conflicts (racial differences), has been around since the days of the mighty Egyptian empire…and such hatred still lives on this Earth.

It seems to be the habit, to assume that all people under a government, agree (completely) with the ideals and beliefs of that government.
That being said, it is therefore easy to simply label one nation of people, under one category.
Once a label has been made, more and more differences can be found between the two nations (as a collective whole).
Differences, lead to hate, contemned, jealousy, insecurity…which lead to war…most of the time anyway.

I’ve always thought, the names of military platoons to be humorous…in a strange sort of way.
Saying,
“We launch a pre-emptive strike against their 4th division in O’ WHATEVER hours.”
Sounds much better than saying,
“We launch an early, advantaged attack against their group of scared men with weapons in O’ WHATEVER hours.”
Take the humanity out…I’m sure fighting objects sounds much better than killing other people.

By labeling people, they become nothing more than objects.
Their value and worth as individuals is gone.
Other people become distant and different by receiving labels.

People can be foolish.
I doubt, that people can fix this world, if they can’t even fix their relationships with each other.

Yo!

Ah!
it's been awhile
things have been pretty crazy around here...
when I have more time...I'll tell you about it
in anycase...this was to let you know that I'm still alive
'til the next post

“Public Edit”

Alright…I wrote a poem for a friend of mine and I thought I would share it. However, the poem contained a personal message. So I thought I would re-word it and display it…well, I ended up re-writing the entire second half. It’s not even close to the original…only the first few verses are the same. And of course the message is completely different. Ha, it's comical now.
Anyway, here is the “Public Edit”


Water Drop

…drop drop drop drop…

Another rainy day
As I stand out in the rain, staring into the grey sky…
A feeling comes over my body.
Cool water dampens my heated soul
But I hate this place
I hate this world

Another meaningless hour
Why am I even out here? Letting water take over me…
Why am I crying in the rain?
The tears of my eyes mix with the water from the heavens
I’m not needed here
I’m not belonging in anyplace

…drop drop drop drop…

Another lonely moment
Perhaps I stay in the rain, because the rain cannot judge me…
Is this my fate?
To stay alone forever in the rain from above?
Time wasted
Time sacrificed

Another hated hour
I hate so much, is this my punishment for hating…
Haha why not?
Break away from all that I hate
Then get away from me!
Then shun me from this existence!

…drop drop dro-…“ssshhhhhhh”…

“Is that what you really want?
To be alone from everything, to hide from reality?
Ah but I don’t think so
Don’t be afraid of a cold world
Rest your soul on me
Let your tears mix with me all you like”

Another dream in the mist of reality
“Do you doubt the rain falling around you? I am real, and here for you”
Why, why bother with me?
“Because you are you, is there anything wrong with that?”
I’m a miserable being not worthy of care
“But you’re kind to me…you like the rain, that is reason enough is it not”

…drop drop drop…

When the sun shines through you’ll simply go away rain
“Oh? Perhaps that’s so. Does it bother you? Have you given it much thought…what you will do after the rain?”
Who are you? What are you?
“I am a water drop…the manifestation of people's thoughts in the form of water.”
A water drop…with a human figure…just another dream.
“Do you not believe in personified thoughts…I am both happy and sad; negative and positive.”

What is it you want?
The rain is cold and relaxing, why come now and bother me while I’m half happy?
I don’t need company, I don’t need the rain talking back t-
“Then why do you talk to me?”
“You’re so negative and hypocritical, you know?”
“You don’t even trust rain with your problems, but yet you talk to it.”

“Even when you’re not alone you still claim to be.
Is that the way you are around people in general?
If you’re so distant from them of course you’ll be alone…
Now then when someone is actually WILLING to talk with you, you don’t want their company?
You are so immature and selfish!
Do you have any idea what you really want?”

“You don’t have to answer; simply know I’m here and willing to talk…”
“Just try to be more open and polite to someone who’s trying to help you.”
I’m sorry!
It’s just tha-
drop………………drop………………………………............
Sunshine, the rain stopped…

What do I really want?
Water drop….ha another mental creation…
But maybe…my soul is trying to tell me something
Time to leave and find a dry place…till next time rain.
Then we can talk again…and maybe I’ll understand more
Till the next rain.

………………………..
“I don’t believe it!
‘Till the next rain.’
Ha!…has he really forgotten that moister is always in the air?
Ugh, sometimes I wonder about that kid.
……….now where did he go?”

Eh?

“I love you.”

What? What does that even mean? One definition of love is: an intense feeling of tender affection and compassion. Oh my that does sound good. But honestly, what does it mean to love? People seem to love so many things. That’s odd to me. Such an intense feeling would be hard to share, would it not?

A dating couple say they “love” each other so much. Then tragically a few months later they breakup…and no longer love each other. I’ve been taught that love is also enduring. So was that not really love that the couple shared? I think not. At the moment it may have seemed like love…but turned out to be nothing more than infatuation.

“I love books” “I love music” “I love thought” Is it possible to love such things? To have tender affection for an inanimate object or an abstract like thought? Ok that does seem kind of possible…but come on! To have such feelings for that which cannot love back? “I love food”…really? That is what you adore more than anything else? To fill your belly?

Then there is always the dreaded “LOVE BETWEEN THE SAME GENDER” *gasp* oh noes!!! Whatever. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with that. Why would there? Is it not great to have affection for all people? Regardless of there gender (or race etc.)?

Love….“love”…it seems to be used in places it does not apply, or in some cases not used when it should be used…..it seems. …………………WHAT ARE YOU SAYING PEOPLE??? Do you really love all that you say you do?? “Love” is one of those over used words, kind of like “dude” or “man” or even a phrase like “What’s up?” Then again…saying “I love you” sounds a whole lot better than saying “I really like you” or “I think you’re really attractive”. And “Love poems” sounds better than “Infatuation poems” or “Sexually Driven poems”. You make a stronger point by saying “I love books” instead of “I like books very much”. PLUS saying “love” is easier and requires less effort most of the time. See the examples in this paragraph.

Love…it’s over used so often, it's almost a cliché. And yet it is not used enough. Funny how that works. I don’t claim to know what love is, or how it works…but at times I think I have a pretty clear idea of what love is not. And I do believe in genuine love between people.

Oh gotta go…Lindsay is here…..Oh how I love her

Nothing Spectacular

Alright so 2008 has been gone for a few hours…well days…now. Soooo, just for the fun of it, a list of highlights…or in some cases major upheavals…that I lived through in ‘08

~ Made three new friends

~ Became close to one of the new found friends

~ Started this silly blog

~ Became even closer to one other new found friend

~ Fell in love

~ Dated for the first time

~ Started writing little articles in addition to poems

~ Successfully finished two semester of ASL (American Sign Language) classes

~ Acquired two more kittens (Alphy [Kitten Alfredo] & Alexander [Zanders])

~ Successfully finished 11th grade with a bang

~ Spent time with my loved one

~ Went to several graduation parties

~ Took a hike with my love to her favorite “secret” spot on one of the mountains of Pine Mountain Club (one of the best times)

~ Met a pretty trippy guy named Ray (we keep in touch)

~ Spent more time with my love…and had some very special moments

~ Attended the funeral of an old man who helped raise me

~ Learned that I’m to self-centered for love and such a relationship; my love, our time together ended (we still talk on occasion)

~ Broke my own heart

~ Learned that someone is interested in me….and I’m not sure if I’m interested back

~ Changed my writing style somewhat

~ Almost died

~ Spent two weeks in a hospital

~ Spent an additional week in a different (kind of) hospital

~ Recovered at home for a while

~ Discovered I like Japanese Music

~ Took a trip to Washington state to visit my mother’s side of the family (had a wonderful time)

~ Held my two baby cousins for the first time

~ Spent an entire day on a river with my uncle Tom and my cousin Cloe

~ Someone thought I was homosexual and spread the word (ha the aftermath of that was fun)

~ Oh yes and swam about every day of summer

~ Started 12th grade like any other

~ Sailed the Channel Islands for five days assisting the ship’s crew teach elementary and junior high students marine biology and basic sail training with four other high school students (all friends of mine, but one a very close friend) (was absolutely fantastic, another great experience of ‘08)

~ Became even closer to an already close friend (didn’t think it was possible)

~ Wrote a paper on my friend Steven for an English project…and it earned an A (Steven was super thrilled haha)

~ Acquired four kittens that now live at my grandparents home (Lancelot, Gawain, Gwenevere, and Charlemagne…I finally was able to name all the cats of one litter ha-ha-ha)

~ Made a few new friends

~ Became close to a newly found friend

~ Made a trip up the Eastern Sierra Nevada Mountains of California (played in a small, but freezing cold, river)

~ Attended the funeral of an old woman who used to live next door to me; who’s yard I would go to play in and who’s grand-daughter I would play with when I was much younger.

~ Took in a new pet spider, a tarantula, that my father found for me at work (now I have two spiders: a funnel web named Octavian and a tarantula named Epyon)

~ Learned that just about every 9th and 10th grade girl at my school has some kind of little crush on me…which I find slightly irritating considering most of them are pathetically immature (most but not all)

~ Discovered that a friend of mine has feelings for me…I kinda have them back

~ Went to a swim meet to watch a friend do what she enjoys doing (swimming)

Yep. Of course there’s a lot more, but again this was just a list of major happenings. A lot of things happened for the first time this year. I must admit, this past year was quite the learning experience. Not only did I learn much about other people and their nature, but I learned quite a bit about myself. It’s odd, when you look inside yourself and find something unknown and unexpected wrapped up deep within your core.

“ ‘Ignorance is bliss.’ That is not always true. If you are ignorant of some idea or passion held inside yourself…or are ignorant of how you affect your fellow human, or how your fellow human truly affects you, you are not happy, for you are constantly chasing answers and solutions…trying to understand why you feel the way you do. If you don’t truly understand yourself, how can you possibly understand anyone or anything else? The more you learn about yourself, the more you will be able to understand others, and the more contented and happy you will be.”

This idea I was forced to acknowledge, perhaps truly for the first time. This is what I learned in ‘08 above anything else.

To further understand…to further grow…to further investigate all in the name of progress and happiness. That is what each year is for…to further yourself.

Well then, I’m hoping that ‘09 is filled with less drama…so far so good.