Poetry....ugh

Retrospect

Does the past really matter now?
I’m such a fool
A fool who believed a living lie
I wish I could turn back time, for everything that went wrong is my fault
But even if I could…
What would I do?
Wouldn’t I do the same things over again?
Wouldn’t I seek my own pleasure again?
Wouldn’t I go after her again?

Does my existence mean any thing?
I’m so selfish
So selfish to disregard the feelings of others
I wish no one really gave a damn about me, for then dying would be so easy
But even if no one did…
What would happen?
Wouldn’t I still try to be close to them?
Wouldn’t I long to be with them?
Wouldn’t I swallow that bottle of pills again?

I hate
I hate
I hate the world as it is
I hate all the stupid people in this world
I seem to thrive on my own hatred
No, that is not me; this undying hatred is not me
This is you, isn’t it Nadleeh?
This is you screaming in my mind again
If I could rid myself of you, find where in my mind you are hiding, I would destroy you
I hate
I hate you Nadleeh

Why have people I cared about died?
They were all so young
Where are you guys?
Why did you leave?
I need you
Why leave me here in this world alone?

A friend, she is moving on with her life.
Why can’t I do the same?
I feel so close to her, yet so distant
I feel so happy for her, yet hurt
All at the same time

Does this mean I can’t move on?
I’m so stupid
So stupid not to move forward with my life
I wish, I wish I could just let go of everything, be free of these feelings, move on…
What would I look for?
Wouldn’t I seek company again?
Wouldn’t I become emotionally attached to people again?
Wouldn’t I ruin everything again?

Why am I even still alive?
What purpose do I have?
I want, I want to move on
Let go…and move on
Let go of the past…and move on
Rid myself of these feelings…and move on
Everyone else is moving on, I must be behind the times
All I want, is to be happy
To move on